Pity party

I am throwing myself a pity party today. I have been working very hard lately, and I think as a result, my sarcoid is acting up. I suspect my eyes have inflammation, I'm tired and I know I have what I call "pink spots" which is really erythemanodosum. The are painful bumps that pop up on various parts of your body. Mine generally start on my legs and I can gage how bad my flare-up is by where they travel next. That's the upshot of living with this auto immune deficiency for 25+ years. I have learned to see patterns and to be able to gauge when, and what type, of intervention is needed. Mostly, I just need to take better care of myself. Sometime, though, you just can't always get the amount of sleep you need to do that (for me - over 8 hours a night is ideal). Life just gets in the way. If it's not work (which is the reason for me this time), it's just stuff you want to do - like travel or become a runner or whatever. Who wants to sleep that much when there are so many things in life to do and experience? Balance is definitely the often elusive goal.
My doctors tell me I have a high pain threshold. I might. Really I just have an intense desire for this not to get in the way of my life. Some people would call that denial. I call it - determined not to be a "victim." Whatever it is, sometimes it comes back to bite me - like now.
I picked my current profession because it was intellectually stimulating. On the surface it doesn't require long hours, so for the most part it's not physically taxing. I figured this would be the best way to keep my sarcoid in check. Mostly I'm right - I've even been able to start running - something I never thought I'd be able to do because it is too hard on my body. Lately, I've had a surprising amount of work, though, and the stress has taken its toll. This brings me to the reason for my pity party. If I can't get stressed out at work without my body falling apart - what CAN I do? Am I destined to be too delicate to even sit at a desk? What's going to happen if/when I have kids? I don't know. No one knows. It's terrifying to think I might pass this on or that I might become too sick to take care of them.
Before I decided to start this blog - I did a quick search to see of there are others out there. What I found was a huge reminder that, as I said, I am one of the lucky ones. My symptoms (so far) have not included my lungs or brain. As yet, I'm not in any danger of dying from this. I really have no right to this pity party, but there it is, for what it's worth.